Wednesday, June 22, 2011

girl, disconnected...I Think I Get It Now...

I think I get it now. I think I understand why this girl disconnected break is so hard. I think I understand why taking a break from most social networking is becoming harder every day.

I NEED to vent. I NEED instant gratification. I NEED feedback. I NEED to hear I'm not a horrible person, that tomorrow is another day, have a martini, whatever platitudes your friends near and far tell you when you're having a crappy day. I miss that. Horribly.

My life is absolutely not hard, especially difficult or made-for-tv-movie worthy. (Okay, parts of my childhood may have been tv movie worthy, but that's for another time....)
So why do I deserve the right to vent, I wonder? My child is not dying of cancer. My husband has not left me for another woman (or man.). We are not about to lose our house in foreclosure. We are all relatively healthy, wealthy (in relative terms) and the need I have to vent and complain also at the same time makes me feel horribly inadequate, ungrateful and stupid.

But still, I cannot resist that urge. Take today for example. Our oldest got to spend the night at a close friend's house (we're all family friends.). And he had a good time as expected. Now, he's been giving me a LOT of lip lately, bad attitude and in particular, being ungrateful and unappreciative. But, he was out of the house, and although I enjoyed the time of having just one tiny human to attend to, I missed him.

So we go to pick him up, first thing he said is, "I don't want to go home." Now, I kinda sloughed that off because we ALL did that growing up when we went over to a friend's house. Grass is greener sorta thing, you know.

Still I got hugs and we had a relatively nice visit with friends, where he pretty much behaved other than the usual whining about having to eat dinner. (The child would exist on gummy bears if I let him.) So it's time to go. Commence meltdowns. Now, I did give him slack knowing that he went to bed late but still got up at dawn like he always does. I took that into consideration.

But he's still so damn frustrating. The whining, the crying, the fussing, the ARGUING (be quiet everyone who knows me personally...yeah yeah yeah, it's like looking in a mirror, I KNOW. My older siblings: Shut it.) This kid should be a lawyer, I tell you. He was all upset because his little brother has a special car toy at home that we got for E because he FINALLY ate his 30 healthy foods (also, a horrible eater.) So he got to pick out a special toy. H just was not down with this. He just cannot understand that he doesn't get a toy every time E does (and vice versa.) I tried reminding him how he got special things when he hit milestones, and about the fact that he had JUST spent the night with his friend just like he wanted to!! THAT was a special treat.

Nope, not good enough. Somehow...someway, this child has become spoiled rotten. So now, I'm stuck, now I've got to fix this (which I'm not sure how it totally GOT Like this because E is not this way, and we're not exactly parents who don't say "NO" a lot.) Still, I'm stuck. Feeling like a worthless, stupid, useless mother who's own child doesn't even want her. I'm moping over my martini right now...

and I can't go on facebook to whine about it. THAT is what I miss. I generally do not randomly bitch and moan on my personal update (at least I try not to because that drama aggravates me.) But, I do have private groups of friends (mostly fellow moms) who totally get it and that is where I vent. But, I can't do that.

So I sit here...and it festers. And THAT my friends is what I'm learning the most as my disconnect enters the homestretch.

I do not NEED facebook, twitter, plurk, cafemom, craftforum or any other social networking/forum. But I WANT it. I LIKE that I can connect with siblings 3k miles away at no cost. I LIKE that I can quickly in one fell swoop update myself on all my friends lives. Sure, a huge chunk of my facebook friends are people I've never laid eyes on in real life, but so what? They still support my endeavours, they laugh with me, cry with me, and share their own lives with me. Perhaps we found each other through Etsy, Artfire, handmade life, music, gluten free life, autism, or what have you...but we found each other. We're friends.

And I miss you all, I really do.

Now, I wonder how many actually READ this...that's another story. I know life is busy. And that is one reason social networking works.....we can connect in an instant. Whether you're a morning person or a night person, you can find your friends, check in, and move on. Sure, it's not true face time interaction, but it's SOMETHING. It's better than being closed off from the world.

I thought this experiment would give me more time, less stress, and more time with "real life" friends. My in person interactions stayed roughly the same....because although I was not checking online as much, I still had two boys to keep from killing each other, a new dog to take care of, a home and a business to run! Yet now, I can't have my quick, end of the day check in, laugh, funny pics, whatever, with friends!

My friend Celeste over on our blog, Real Housewives of NOLA gets it too! Read about it here.

Enough bitching, time to go drink my martini....Day 21 over.



Priscilla said...

I read it!!! I read it!!! and we all miss ya! your almost there!


mamaslittlemonkeys said...

Thanks Priscilla!! LOL I do feel better knowing someone is reading it!!!

Heather said...

I read it too! :) We're headed for the home stretch now!

Anonymous said...

how old is E? Sounds just like my five year old...I keep blaming it on the summer heat, the lack of routine and everything else I can imagine...but the truth is, he's five. He's testing his independence (all the while driving mama mad!) I can only say that I hope it gets better...for both our sakes LOL!

Walk in the Woods said...

Ya know … I don't know if I've ever told you … I love you … and I hope we meet in the physical world one day.

And as I say to parents everywhere … Bless Your Hearts! It's the most challenging AND important work there is.

Herb'n Mixtress said...

You're doing great ma! I'm not sure I could've lasted this long. And yes, I'm following you're disconnected moments, and I think it's pretty cool!


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