Life has been insane as a mommy lately due to circumstances beyond my control. Here are some things I've learned thus far in my 4 years as a mommy.
1. Whatever you planned to happen--chuck it.
2. Your child will take off a poopy diaper at some point. Be ready.
3. Sex? No thanks. Hand me the comforter, hot stuff.
4. You will get lots of unsolicited advice. Take it, some of it may work.
5. You will get lots of unsolicited advice. What you don't take---learn to say, "feel free to take the monsters if you can do better."
6. You cannot blame farts on your kid once they start talking.
7. Once you breastfeed, you appreciate breasts on a whole new level. So will your husband. Particularly when you wean.
8. There actually ARE worse pains than UNMEDICATED, INDUCED childbirth. Leaking spinal fluid is one.
9. Things you previously didn't care about, like health care, politics, education, suddenly become very important. And you suddenly feel very nervous, scared and vomit a little knowing there really isn't a damn thing you can do about most of it.
10. When in doubt..get out some bubble wrap. Kids love it. (Just don't leave em alone with it.)
11. You can watch old Sesame Streets and pretend it's for the kids.
12. You dream about murdering Elmo and telling your child Elmo had an 'incident'.
13. You will literally knock out a 300 lb nurse if need be when your child is in pain.
14. You respect your husband and your mother a helluva a lot more.
15. You make up stupid songs to do stupid things. Whatever makes your kid smile. "Who has a poopy?" Sounds way more fun to your kid if you sing it.
16. Feel free to criticize another parents choice in hot topics (breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations,) but be FULLY prepared to back up YOUR side and don't berate the other parent. Also be ready for a hearty slap. You probably deserved it.
17. You can buy your kid all the organic food in the world and feed your kids 100% healthy. But let the kid have some FUN for crying out loud.
18. You will say these words way more than you ever wanted to: breasts, testicles, mucous, poop, placenta, and snot. Get used to it.
19. You should always, always choose the nap. It does not matter the options.
20. Remember to do something for YOU. Also remember it may fall to heck as soon as a mini you needs something.
Last but not least, remember children are the greatest gift God can give us and it is up to us to respect, love, honor and care for our children.
Now get off the computer and go hug your kids.