Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Trip to Sams--A Comedy of Errors

Setting: Hot, sweaty, southern Louisiana
Time: Mid Morning (5 o'clock somewhere)
Characters: Tired Mommy, almost 4 yr old know it all and barely lingual 18 mo old.

Scene One:
Mommy realizes she needs food. Now. As well as business supplies to fulfill an order. Planned trip to Evil Empire tomorrow with PawPaw is too far away. Bacon is needed. Now.

Mommy pries children from electronic devices, fills her trusty reusable water bottle with water, throws Goldfish in her handmade reusable snack bag and loads monkeys into car. Hot, hot car.

Family jams to Amos Lee on short ride there, monkeys are peaceful.

Scene Two:
Arrival at Sams, aka, the inner circle of hell.
Mommy loads screaming toddler into basket, clueless to the reason for his screams. Mommy nearly throws back out sticking nearly 4 yr old in the dual seat of the super handy Sam's buggy/cart/whatever you call it because he MUST ride with baby brother.

Whilst Mommy throws back out, toddler throws reusable water bottle on the concrete, thus busting open the top and spilling the water all over the ground leaving us with nothing to drink. Toddler then gets mad there is no more water. Doesn't understand Mommy's explanation of who's fault THAT is.

Mommies ovaries shrink a little more during this conversation.

Scene Three:
Mommy manages to find Sam's Card and enters the air conditioned heaven/hell of Sam's Club. Monkeys are at peace munching on colored goldfish (mommy's last 'splurge' as the monkeys normally must eat the whole wheat goldfish). Business supplies are bought, Mommy happily finds a Glen Beck and Dick Morris book and snaps them up with the illusion that she'll actually get to READ said books at night before passing out.

Scene Four:
A lizard is spotted on a buggy near the bread. Mommy pushes thoughts of sanitation departments out of her head and enjoys the moment of discussing with the nearly 4 yr old that the lizard is shopping! Whatever could a lizard be shopping for? Cookies, it's decided...which Mommy also adds to her basket. Goodbyes are said to lizard.

Scene Five:
Barely lingual toddler spots the cookies in the buggy. Excited that he appropriately says, "More", Mommy allows monkeys to partake of chocolate chip cookie. Toddler promptly ruins outfit that had only been worn less than an hour. Mommy visualizes the never ending pile of laundry and notes appointment for hearing screening in the afternoon for toddler, so costume change will be necessary. Mommy mentally notes cloth diapers need washing as well....dishes need to be unloaded....

On plus side, nearly 4 yr old is well adapt at eating gooey cookies in 30 seconds flat and leaves no crumbs behind.

Scene Six:
Shopping is nearly done, Mommy bravely ignores the liquor aisle and heads onward. Nearly 4 yr old has not lost his handmade stuffed bird OR Slinky the entire trip. Toddler is chocolately but not screaming his head off and is again obsessively playing with his shoes. (Mommy makes mental note to mention shoe obsession during toddler's evaluation.)
Checkout lines are small and check out is somewhat speedy.

Scene Seven:
Mommy's credit card is denied. Twice. Another card is tried. Denied. Twice. Visions of identity theft run through Mommy's head. Mommy is forced to put purchases on debit cards, which would not be a problem except this purchase also included the Sam's renewal/selling your soul to the devil/charge and the bill is far higher than anticipated. Mommy is thankful Daddy gets paid tomorrow.

Nearly 4 yr old begs for Icee. Seeing he has wrapped his slinky through and around the cart in a very yoga like fashion, Mommy denies request for icee. Toddler becomes angry at shoes and starts to scream. Apparently the shoes are not listening to toddler's king like demands.

Elderly people behind Mommy begin to shoot dirty looks. Mommy is too busy wiping off chocolate, trying 8 different credit cards and denying Icee requests to tell elderly people they are MORE than welcome to take the monkeys for a day if they can do it better.

Scene Eight:
Almost out the door! Shoes are dropped, handmade stuffed bird named Scout is suffocating under boxes, Mommy waits her turn for the all powerful Green Highlighter Holder to mark her paper that states she is allowed to leave the chambers of hell. All hail the green highlighter. Mommy ponders if there are different levels of power in the highlighter, each color means a new level of Satanic power?

Scene Nine:
Mommy manages to load groceries in the trunk despite the fact that Daddy has yet again left the pack and play in the trunk after a trip. Mommy shoves, amazingly fixes her own back that she ironically threw out upon first arrival, by shoving a ginormous box of baby wipes in trunk. Still angry at the shoes toddler is safely secured in his seat, and slinky is extricated from the buggy, and four year old is secure in his seat. The journey home begins.
Mommy nearly wipes out an old lady in the parking lot, hopes she's not on her 8th life.

Mommy explains yet again the rule for Popsicles (after nap) and explains AGAIN what will happen after nap.

All in all, trip to hell complete with only minimal damage, a little science lesson on lizards and only one curse word said by Mommy.

Mommy only glances at the drive through daiquiri shop on the way home.

This time.

The End.


~~Sew Happy Designs~~ said...

Oh poor Amy...geeze I'm hoping you are sitting now with your feet up and a beer (or drink of choice)in one hand and a good book in the other with monkeys tied up and duck-taped (or naping, yeah, that would be prolly more humane). Here's good news...they WILL grow up one day and get jobs and if you're REALLY lucky...move out...leaving you more money, (much more), more time and more sanity.
Cindy (Thanks for making my day with your humor!)

Merry said...

This is classic! Oh the memories it brings. Good times good times...

Embellished Bayou said...

Haha, congrats on making through the gates of Hell (and without a daquiri!)

Jonie said...

Ohh we love sam's. LOL. Davin only likes it when the marker/highlighter people put a face on the back of the receipt, other wise he gets mad at them. LOL.
Glad you made it through there relatively safe and be glad it was only a lizard and not a gator in the store with ya.

Lisa R said...

LOL. I'd still be at the Sam's liquor aisle.

Beth Ann said...

Uh, thanks for reminding "WHY" I couldn't have KIDS! LOL... Oh, and WE weren't that old couple behind you giving you dirty looks.... I was the one in the background, roflmao! Oh, and you said 2 curse words... LOL

Thanks for the visualization and laugh! I just "felt" like I was there! LOL

Melanie @ Whimsical Creations said...

LMAO!! Tooo funny!!

I have had those days!

Live, Love, Laugh, Write! said...

Someday's you Mom's make me glad that I'm not a Mom :P This was hysterical to read though! And your quite heroic for by-passing the booze :P

wlstarn said...

Been there. Believe it or not, they do eventually grow up (I won't say leave home as the 19 year old is still here, working & saving for a car). You wake up one morning and wonder where the time went. And we won't discuss living with adolescents for awhile yet; let's just say it is possible to outwit, outlast and outplay, at least enough to get them through High School. Hang in there!


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