girl, disconnected...I Think I Get It Now...

I think I get it now. I think I understand why this girl disconnected break is so hard. I think I understand why taking a break from most social networking is becoming harder every day.

I NEED to vent. I NEED instant gratification. I NEED feedback. I NEED to hear I'm not a horrible person, that tomorrow is another day, have a martini, whatever platitudes your friends near and far tell you when you're having a crappy day. I miss that. Horribly.

My life is absolutely not hard, especially difficult or made-for-tv-movie worthy. (Okay, parts of my childhood may have been tv movie worthy, but that's for another time....)
So why do I deserve the right to vent, I wonder? My child is not dying of cancer. My husband has not left me for another woman (or man.). We are not about to lose our house in foreclosure. We are all relatively healthy, wealthy (in relative terms) and happy.....so the need I have to vent and complain also at the same time makes me feel horribly inadequate, ungrateful and stupid.

But still, I cannot resist that urge. Take today for example. Our oldest got to spend the night at a close friend's house (we're all family friends.). And he had a good time as expected. Now, he's been giving me a LOT of lip lately, bad attitude and in particular, being ungrateful and unappreciative. But, he was out of the house, and although I enjoyed the time of having just one tiny human to attend to, I missed him.

So we go to pick him up, first thing he said is, "I don't want to go home." Now, I kinda sloughed that off because we ALL did that growing up when we went over to a friend's house. Grass is greener sorta thing, you know.

Still I got hugs and we had a relatively nice visit with friends, where he pretty much behaved other than the usual whining about having to eat dinner. (The child would exist on gummy bears if I let him.) So it's time to go. Commence meltdowns. Now, I did give him slack knowing that he went to bed late but still got up at dawn like he always does. I took that into consideration.

But he's still so damn frustrating. The whining, the crying, the fussing, the ARGUING (be quiet everyone who knows me personally...yeah yeah yeah, it's like looking in a mirror, I KNOW. My older siblings: Shut it.) This kid should be a lawyer, I tell you. He was all upset because his little brother has a special car toy at home that we got for E because he FINALLY ate his 30 healthy foods (also, a horrible eater.) So he got to pick out a special toy. H just was not down with this. He just cannot understand that he doesn't get a toy every time E does (and vice versa.) I tried reminding him how he got special things when he hit milestones, and about the fact that he had JUST spent the night with his friend just like he wanted to!! THAT was a special treat.

Nope, not good enough. Somehow...someway, this child has become spoiled rotten. So now, I'm stuck, now I've got to fix this (which I'm not sure how it totally GOT Like this because E is not this way, and we're not exactly parents who don't say "NO" a lot.) Still, I'm stuck. Feeling like a worthless, stupid, useless mother who's own child doesn't even want her. I'm moping over my martini right now...

and I can't go on facebook to whine about it. THAT is what I miss. I generally do not randomly bitch and moan on my personal update (at least I try not to because that drama aggravates me.) But, I do have private groups of friends (mostly fellow moms) who totally get it and that is where I vent. But, I can't do that.

So I sit here...and it festers. And THAT my friends is what I'm learning the most as my disconnect enters the homestretch.

I do not NEED facebook, twitter, plurk, cafemom, craftforum or any other social networking/forum. But I WANT it. I LIKE that I can connect with siblings 3k miles away at no cost. I LIKE that I can quickly in one fell swoop update myself on all my friends lives. Sure, a huge chunk of my facebook friends are people I've never laid eyes on in real life, but so what? They still support my endeavours, they laugh with me, cry with me, and share their own lives with me. Perhaps we found each other through Etsy, Artfire, handmade life, music, gluten free life, autism, or what have you...but we found each other. We're friends.

And I miss you all, I really do.

Now, I wonder how many actually READ this...that's another story. I know life is busy. And that is one reason social networking works.....we can connect in an instant. Whether you're a morning person or a night person, you can find your friends, check in, and move on. Sure, it's not true face time interaction, but it's SOMETHING. It's better than being closed off from the world.

I thought this experiment would give me more time, less stress, and more time with "real life" friends. My in person interactions stayed roughly the same....because although I was not checking online as much, I still had two boys to keep from killing each other, a new dog to take care of, a home and a business to run! Yet now, I can't have my quick, end of the day check in, laugh, funny pics, whatever, with friends!

My friend Celeste over on our blog, Real Housewives of NOLA gets it too! Read about it here. http://realhousewivesofnola.com/2011/06/22/oh-how-i-city-of-wonder-how-you-get-your-farmville-growing-while-sending-hearts/

Enough bitching, time to go drink my martini....Day 21 over.

~~Amy

I Am Autism....

It is often hard to explain Autism to people because EVERYONE knows about it, but quite honestly, unless you know someone WITH it, it's really hard to describe. There are also lots of myth's and preconceived notions about Autism.

Here are some thoughts I had from my son's point of view.

~~~
I am blonde, beautiful, and happy.
I am two years old and love circles.
Don't bother arguing with me that two is too young to be diagnosed with Autism..
my Mommy took me to the best.

I may repeat your words but I don't really "Talk.". But I am not stupid.

I am a sensory seeker and love rough play..but don't assume my friends will. We are not all the same.
I am Autism.

I will scream when you cut my hair, take away my puzzle pieces and turn off Baby Einstein.
Sometimes you may leave a room and I won't notice.
Sometimes I will...and proceed to tear it apart until you return.
I am Autism.

You will get dirty looks from strangers who think I am just a bad kid having a meltdown and
you stink as a parent.
Go ahead..give them a dirty look back...I'm too busy having a meltdown to notice.
I am Autism.

I will eat bananas on Monday.
But not on Tuesday.
I may try the juice you give me...
but only if its red...
and in a green cup...
or I may just throw the darn thing down and fuss.
I am Autism.

I may sleep great, but  my friends may not.
Potty training may be a fantasy...
Simple errands may drive my mommy insane...
I am Autism.

But despite all that...
I am a child, and "A Person is a Person, No Matter How Small"
As Dr Seuss says (and I like Dr Seuss.)
I do love you, I do need you, and I do miss you when you're gone.
I may not run and hug you (or I may!) and I may not say your name,
but you know I'm in here, waiting for you to help me come out.

And I know you love me more than I will ever know.
I know it by hugs, kisses, and that we try it all again the next day.

We'll try therapies, we'll try games, toys, books--everything "THEY" say to do.
I'll try it all with you Mommy, because I know you know,
I am Autism.

And that is okay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mommy here now...

I am 110% thankfully every day for my life. Eli is extremely high functioning and I remind myself that is a huge gift. He is not dying, he does not need surgeries or meds, and he DOES hug me, love me and look at me.

But some days those blessings are a curse. How can a child who can name colors, not say Mommy? How can he not call my name, his dad's or his brother's? How can we do a puzzle in peace, but when we go to the store we MUST go get a banana so he can hold it through the entire store? Why are some of the simplest tasks the hardest, but then the next day they'll be a breeze? How do you make sure your other more 'typical' child (with issues of his own) is given the same attention as his Autistic brother?

People have asked me, are you sure you're done having kids? When I say yes, and they ask why, I reply, "I have one son with sensory issues and one with Autism". They often say, "so?"

Obviously those people have never spent any reasonable amount of time dealing with even a high functioning Autistic child. They have never had to wonder, will I be able to potty train my child? Will he function okay in school? Will he be able to work one day? Those questions don't go through most people's minds because at first glance, Eli is adorable, he says colors and shapes and he (most of the time) listens to simple commands.

But for the good days there are bad, and sometimes it makes me think. I know I do the best I can, and I have faith he will continue to improve. But the downside of him being high functioning, is it's easy to forget that we STILL need to "fight" for him to continue to grow..it's easy to become complacent. Going to the grocery store, park, bank or what not should NOT be a drama..but it is...and until the day it isn't...I will keep working...fighting for the 'real' Eli to keep coming out.

I hope this makes you think again about any Autistic children (or any special needs) children you may know. Please don't ever judge these families until you have walked a mile in their shoes. And just because it LOOKS like a mom may have it all under control...it could be an act... maybe you can just lend a hand...hold a diaper bag...make a dinner...do SOMETHING for a mom who needs a helping hand.

Thanks for letting me vent my friends! :)
~~Amy

Truth Hurts...

I want to apologize right now for the length this will likely be. I'd also like to state up front I do not allow annoymous comments on my blog, so if you have to say something I suggest you be brave enough to say it with your own name as I always do on blogs.

A little backstory...

Several weeks ago a familar seller on Artfire was in the forums AGAIN asking for help. This does not bother me. As admin on several teams I am used to helping people out and offerring advice when they ask for it. Sometimes they like it, sometimes they don't. I aim to never be mean or hateful but if you ask for feedback you better be able to hande it.

So this seller, who I'll not name because she has been dragged through the mud enough, has had multiple issues with learning the in's and out's of selling online. I am by NO means an expert at this, but I am familiar enough with forums. Of course I've said MANY a thing I regret online and probably will again.

I should also say I am not friends with this seller per say but I have nothing against her. She's a nice person who just needed some guidance which she asked for from MANY people.

Anyhoo...so the thread this seller was in was getting ugly. I usually avoided all threads this seller was in for some reasons you'll see soon enough. But it was getting nasty. So I commented that everyone should go in their own corners and take a break and this seller should also step back. (This seller has said she is disabled.) I suggested the seller take a break, reread and THINK before she continues to post in the forums. (She has a history of flying off the handle and yelling, crying, and getting upset in the forums.)

Apparently, I might as well have hacked off the arms of an infant and sacrificed them to Allah because I got raped for that comment.

By who? The lovely Pussdaddy of course. And YUP I will link to her blog because she's just the kind of person who will read this and go, "Well if you can write about me you link to me." So HERE YA GO: pussdaddyblogs.blogspot.com

I don't feel like drudging through her numerous posts of insanity, but essentially I was told that telling this seller to THINK is the same as throwing a paraplegic in the water and telling them to swim.

Here is why that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

*I am a mother first and foremost. I would never tell a disabled person anything I thought was harmful to them. Not only am I mother but I have an autistic son so I KNOW how it feels to have a child that is not 'Normal'. I know the looks, the ridicule, the angst.
*I am also a former teacher, primarily of special education early childhood students. To say I would torment a disabled person is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen.
*Telling someone who reports to be disabled to "THINK" is NOT hateful. Saying that is an example of WHAT Is wrong with our society. Why can no one be held accountable for anything? Why is everything someone elses fault? She is disabled...it's not THAT big of a deal. This seller has run her online shop just fine for over a year and the disability thing only seems to get in the way when she wants it to. I'm not saying this to be ugly to her. She can type in forums, albeit with typos--but most of us do that! She can create beautiful handmade items, she can package them, ship them and handle all of that (at least I am assuming she can handle all this because she's run the shop for a year). SO WHY is it horrible to tell her to PROOFREAD and THINK before she posts?

Do you know how many times a day I tell my son with sensory processing disorder to USE HIS BRAIN? A LOT. Because for him, simple decisions are not easy. But that is NOT an excuse! I will not allow him to use his delay to get off easy on things and not use common sense in day to day life. If you think this makes me a bad mother then so be it. My main job is to raise self sufficient boys who are happy, not cowtow to idiots on the web.

So I will not beat that dead horse. I am not concerned about what Pussdaddy thinks of me. But I felt like not speaking up on my own blog is ignoring a horrifying situation that is growing by the minute.

I have commented on a few of PD's blog posts if you wish to go look, I cannot recall which ones but I always commented with my own screenname, mamaslittlemonkeys.

Moving on....

Let's clear a few things up:

*I do not like Pussdaddy. In fact I find what she does ALL day long to be a deplorable use of a human mind. I find her language, cursing, slander, and hateful tones FAR more dangerous than anything she CLAIMS people have done.
*That being said, I am at heart a libertarian. That means I believe in PD's right to blog about what she wants within the scope of the law. I do not think she should get to SLANDER people but it is very hard to prove that when it's done. I do give her a smidge of respect for speaking her mind, however twisted it may be. Part of being a GROWN UP is allowing others to have their opinions. It does not mean I think PD is right on 99% of what she posts (much of which I have no idea what the hell she's talking about because I'm not privy to the situation) but I will absolutely agree she has a right to speak her mind. She has also on a rare occasion admitted she was wrong and that takes guts. I also respect that she gave ME respect for posting on her blog in my real name. That is where my respect ends.
*I do however think if Pussdaddy is all she thinks she's cracked up to be, she'd be more open about who she really is. But in reality, I'm sure she's fearful of the backlash she would receive.

Pussdaddy is a wimp. Plain and simple. She spends her time ranting about "about all sorts of unimportant, mundane crap that probably isn't any of my damn business, but is put out there for public perusal by people as stupid or maybe even stupider than myself." (per her profile)


That sentence right there speaks for itself. Anyone who pushes themselves into everyone else's business obviously has too much time on their hands and nothing creative to do.

I do want to take a moment to go on record about myself with some things:

1. I have never voted anyone down in the Artfire forums. I don't plan to.
2. I said from the get go, that the new forums were a horrifying mistake and it would go horribly wrong. I am not active in the maven's anymore so I was not involved in planning the forums. If I had been I would have said this is a horrible idea. 
3. I am not friends with everyone PD has blogged about but I am a few.
4. I am not part of some AF forums clique. Where that idea came from is beyond me. I am only "tight" with a few people on a variety of venues.
5. Being on Pussdaddys blog has not done a thing wrong for my business because anyone with half a brain can take one look at her vile blog and see that anything she says is likely half truths and opinion.
6. I am not scared of Pussdaddy, her blog or any of the multiple personalities who are such great PD fans that they post anonymously. If anything ever got said about me that was a valid threat, I would handle it as the law allowed.
7. Being pussdaddied does not have a thing to do with who I am as a person. Anyone who knows me knows I am a decent person, has worked with a variety of charities, and am a Christian person. I sleep well at nite.

****EDITED TO ADD:
8. I have never been muted anywhere ever.


While her blog is a waste of space on the internet...so are a lot of things in life. There are a lot of things in life I can't do a damn thing about. And you know what, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

I set out at first to write about this because I went through the stages of being "Pussdaddied".
1. Anger
2. Denial
3. Anger again
4. Bargaining
5. Anger again when she posts more untruths about you.
6. Anger again when she railroads other innocent people into the ground.
7. Peace when you realize that the furry little thing doesn't deserve your time.

I am now at the peace stage. I am not pleased that some of my friends have been talked about on her blog, mostly in ways that she knows NOTHING about. The names and words she uses alone are horrifying but again, her legal right to do so. And there is really nothing I can do about it. If at any point I am slandered against where the law can be involved, I might persue it. But I don't think that will happen. I think deep down Pussdaddy respects that I had the nerve to argue with her non-anonymously and she needs us for fodder. She cannot think of things to say WITHOUT bashing people, so how can she blog if she pushes us so far that she's legally bound NOT to talk about people? That would not serve her purpose...whatever that is.

The thing is this, it's all really sad. My sons autism was even dragged around in blog comments because I stood up for myself. The SAME PEOPLE who said I was tormenting a disabled girl then proceeded to wish my son is abused like that so I can see. How does that make ANY SENSE? IF you were TRULY doing what you were doing for the greater good, why would you wish my child any harm?

Also, if the person you are supposed to be helping by blogging all this ASKS YOU TO STOP and you continue to do so, how can you claim were trying to help? At that point it becomes what it is--Pussdaddy looking for attention and drama.

Her blog is what it is, a horrifying Train Wreck that lacks the class of other snarky blogs. She is a wanna be, has been, sad woman. I do not feel anger...I feel sadness for her.

I have already said my apologies to anyone who may have been hurt by anything I did, whether intentional or not.

What bothers me more is this, that I wasted so much time WORRYING about all this when there are 50k people dead in Haiti, an economy on the brink of collapse, constitutional rights being taken away every day, and no cure for the 100's of deadly diseases in our world. WHY did I bother even THINKING about a ridiculous blog with a few hundred followers? I could have spent that time creatively, or packaging up supplies for Haiti, or working on my son's therapy.

That is why, as much as I love the friends who are being abused by Pussdaddy, I will try to stay out of things. I will support you no doubt, as you have supported me, but I will not even look at her blog anymore. It's not worth the time or brain cells. And also, if you are a fan of Pussdaddy I've probably already deleted you off any social networking sites we may share.

It's time to get back to what is IMPORTANT...my family, my creating, and helping others when I can. My friend had her memorial service for her 2 year old this past Saturday. That child lived his life in and out of the hospitals, surgeries, and more. He lived in pain I cannot even imagine. To think that I wasted one brain cell on Pussdaddy when I could have spent that time praying for that little boys family is something I cannot take back.

To those who are continually tormented by Pussdaddy, I feel your pain, I do. But do NOT let it get to you! No matter what you say, what you do, someone will always be around to twist it into what they want. As long as you do what is right in YOUR heart and mind, you can rest easy knowing you did the right thing.

If you want a boost, a hug, anything, I am here for you! But I am putting this to rest, buried where it should be, in a chapter of my life I don't want to go back to. Pussdaddy will likely blog this. I know that. I only ask she has the nerve to actually copy the whole thing and not chicken peck out the parts she wants. Because honestly, if anyone can read this and still think I was ever trying to hurt someone, then they are not anyone I want to know.

If you decide to comment, that is entirely up to you. Do not feel you have to. If you do so and you disagree with what I said, that is also fine to but I will delete comments with nasty language, insults or hateful talk.

I do not want the comments to become a bashing of Pussdaddy either...that does not serve MY purpose of moving on and being at peace with everything. So I will also delete those comments also. Any hateful comments to ANYONE will be deleted because I will not allow that on my blog

If this has taught us anything it's that Pussdaddy does show us we need to take responsibility for our actions, words and be very careful what we say. Even if we THINK we didn't say anything wrong, you might have hurt someone.

So Pussdaddy..that's that. I apologize if anything I said in THIS post hurts your feelings, but you know as well as I do that if you can dish it out , you can take it.

And that folks is a wrap!

mama