What We Wish Our Non-HomeSchooling Friends Knew....

As a mom who's only been in this home-schooling gig about a year now, it's been an interesting ride. It's been bumpy for sure, a lot of highs and a lot of lows. It's drastically changed my educational philosophies and feelings about the current state of education as well as how I feel about my own children.

My children were in school. I never batted an eye at sending them off on that big yellow bus and enjoying a few hours of blissful quiet. (I never got the full eight hours as one son was only in a half day program so between getting him and his big brother from school, I had just three months of not working and being home alone for 4-5 hours a day.) I had spent most of their younger years at home with them, sending them both to a good preschool program that I worked at off and on over the years (my former place of employment as a teacher.) I had survived the diaper years, the not sleeping, the super fun time of navigating a child in the early intervention system. I thought I'd put in my time and I was DONE. I'd be sending them on their way, getting a huge block of time to work on my business, clean house, cook, create, see friends.

Then my priorities shifted both on purpose and unexpectedly. My older son began to have problems at school where safety was a concern and I became aware of the Common Core State Standards Initiative. I disagree with Common Core for a variety of reasons, some of which my friends agree with, some who disagree or are not concerned. And that's okay. It's my problems, my concerns, my children, my decisions. But it's these concerns that led me to investigate and ultimately decide that we needed to give home-schooling a chance.

It turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Now, do not misinterpret this to think we spend the day twirling clover flowers and counting clouds. Oh, I threaten to send them back to school. I cry. I scream. I fuss. They cry, they scream, they fuss. But guess what, as time goes by, we all do a lot less of that.

We have spent the year learning how we are similar and different, learning a different dynamic to our personalities and lifestyle. I've discovered things about myself as both a parent and educator and I've discovered things about their learning styles and who they are as people, not just spawn of mine.

I've learned about the secret world of homeschoolers and all the cool things we can do that I never knew about when my children were in school. I've reshaped my opinions on who homeschooling families really are. Guess what, they don't all wear denim dresses and shelter their children. There are homeschooling families of all shapes, sizes, types, and styles. More than I can even begin to list. There are plenty of labels but labels are for soup cans as I once read in a book by Amy Dingmann. (Great read, go get it, seriously, go now.)

I've also learned that my friendships with non-homeschooling friends will change. And that's okay because true friends will still be there no matter how weird they think your choices are. (Because chances are you think some of THEIR choices are weird.)

I know quite a few people who are new to home-schooling or are thinking of giving it a go. It's caused me to ponder what I wish I'd been able to tell my non-homeschool friends early on.  

Here are the Top Ten Things We Wish You Knew.
1. First and foremost, our decision to home school does not, should not, and could not ever define YOUR choices in how you educate your child. With the exception of some militant home-schooling families, MOST home school families could honestly care less about how you educate your child. Many of us choose to only home school one child, many of us only do it for a season, some for life. All most of us really care about is that we all have CHOICES and the freedom to make that choice. So we applaud your choice, whatever it may be because you had the freedom to choose it. When WE choose to home school we are NOT saying our choice is better than yours. We are NOT saying we love our kids more and we are NOT saying we are superior parents. (And if you are someone who does think that, you have some serious soul searching to do because those kinds of feelings do NOT lend well to survival in the human race.) What we are saying is our choice to home school is what's best for us, right now, right here. It doesn't define YOU.


2. We learn way more than just when we sit down to pen and paper. Just as children in public/private schools learn far more than just what's on the paper in front of them, homeshooling children do not learn in a bubble. (Or they shouldn't.) Chances are when a homeschooler tells you they're done with their work in 3-4 hours what she means is the "book work" or "paperwork". She neglects to tell you about the music lessons, PE class, park trip, field trips, library visits, life skills, play dates, science camps, etc and all the things that are also considered "electives" in public/private school as well. Our electives just often happen to occur outside in the world. (Not all the time.) As it SHOULD be in public/private schools, life is a series of teachable moments. Learning doesn't happen in a bubble.



3. Homeschooling parents ARE qualified to teach their children. This may never come up between your friends, but it may. We just wish more people could understand they are truly qualified to teach their children. Why, when said child suddenly turns five and is off to kindergarten are we to assume we can't handle it? Am I really to believe I'm a *mumble*Something year old woman who cannot do second grade math? And if I am, why can I not re-learn it? Want to know a secret? We have the teacher manuals! Shhh, don't tell. But guess what....we have access to the answers!! And if we are not familiar with a subject, we generally learn it along with our kids! I'm not even going to list all the things I've either learned for the first time, or re-learned this year alone! Some parents happen to have education degrees (There's this secret subset of homeschooling parents who are former teachers....interesting...). Some have degrees in their area of expertise. Some have none at all. Our countries forefathers were not necessarily taught at a brick and mortar school all day long, yet they built one of the finest nations on Earth. Home schooling's not for wussies. We generally do not go at this with an apathetic view of education. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but overall, we choose to home school because we value education and academics along with individuality and wish to cater that to our children. But we're not all rocket scientists and we don't have to be.


4. We didn't make this decision lightly. Some families know before they even conceive they wish to home school. Most do not. Most make this decision at some point their child's education "career" and decide they want to give it a go. Some families do know early on and make a game plan from day one. Whether we started early or didn't home school until senior year, please know we didn't make this decision lightly. Perhaps we discussed it with you as we discuss everything, but maybe we didn't. Maybe your friend just up and pulled their kids out of school. Either way, I promise you it was not a knee jerk reaction done overnight (Unless it was a specific imminent danger situation to a child, which are few and far between, and I cannot even honestly recall one family I know like that, but I do know it occurs.) But we thought about this. Prayed. Sought guidance. Researched. This was not a quickie idea. I promise.




5. We hate the socialization question. Let's get this over with now. We socialize our dogs, we educate our children. There is a TREMENDOUS difference between social skills and socialization. This is the biggest joke amongst homeschoolers because apparently the world thinks we all hide in a basement and never go out. Or they think because we're not surrounded by kids the same age we will all be horribly un-socialized. Social skills are taught in a variety of ways and I do not recall ever having a job where everyone was the same age as me. The world is a giant hodgepodge of people. The world is social. Social SKILLS are something every child should be taught and homeschoolers are no less capable of teaching this than school teachers. Social skills are manners, politeness, waiting in line, patience, turn taking, respect for elders, navigating checkout procedures, grocery shopping, driving, funeral and wedding decorum, and a million other skills we ALL need to learn. Quite frankly, this whole world needs a big social skills lesson because it sure has been on the decline.

But this is a big one in our world. We know you ask not because you really think we'll lock our kids away from the world, but because you're honestly intrigued and you honestly don't know. I didn't! I asked the question. It wasn't until we started homeschooling that I realized how silly that is. I know I do not take offense at this question but it gets really, really, really old.

Now that's not to say there aren't 'unsocialized homeschoolers' in the world. There are families who can't or won't take advantage of social opportunities. There are kids who are never, ever taught social skills. But I would guess if they weren't in school, they still might lack those skills. There are kids who just ARE socially awkward. There are PARENTS who are socially awkward. There are kids and adults who have social skill issues and cannot help it, or have not sought treatment for it. That doesn't mean they are less of a human than you, and I really wish people would judge a whole lot less.




 

6. We need a break too. When public/private school parents complain that summer vacation drags on, or they can't wait for school to start, you find different reactions from homeschoolers. Some of us chuckle and say, "Hah, I wish I could be complaining to GET a break from my kids!" Some of us are a little sad and say, "That's sad they don't enjoy being with their kids.". Both reactions are valid and each person is entitled to their opinions. I tend to be in both camps. I am not someone who wants to be with their kids 24/7. That was the hardest pill to swallow in this journey. But whether parents admit it or not, we all need a break. We just don't get our break during the school day like you do. But don't forget us. Ask us to go out on girls night. Find out when our spouse will be home so we can go shopping. Don't get mad when we don't answer the phone during school time, but leave us a message of a time we can call back. Share funny stores with us on Facebook. Tell us about good recipes. We need grown up talk. We do need a break from our kids, so if we vent to you about a bad day, keep in mind we might be forgetting to tell you about the awesome things we did do. Because honestly, sometimes that goes back to the #1 point...we do worry if we talk about the awesome thing you will think we're comparing our kids/parenting/choices to yours. We're not, promise, we just need a friend in this parenting gig and our gig happens to involve homeschooling.




7. We're all a little weird. Does this even need to be said? Seriously? EVERYONE has weird issues, quirks, likes, thoughts, desires, opinions. Stop thinking ours are weird solely because we home school.

8. Every state, city, family, is different. The way your cousin home schools in Denver will be drastically different than her friend in Oklahoma. Every state has different rules and regulations for homeschooling. We like it that way. When things need to be changed, homeschooling families rally together and advocate for their choices. Just as is done in the school system, parents can and should advocate for what's best for their children. Ours happens to be in the topic of homeschooling, so it can vary wildly state to state, city to city, group to group and family to family. There are MANY different types of homeschooling philosophies and unless you ask, you'll have no idea which one we may or may not adhere to. Ask us if you are curious. If not, don't assume we're doing it wrong because it's different than others.



9. If we vent to you, don't assume the entire process is awful.  Again, I promise it's not all bad. If your friend is homeschooling and a very good friend, it's possible she vents to you because you're her bud and she feels safe doing so. As mentioned above, there may also be reasons she leaves the good stuff out. Part of this problem is on us, the homeschoolers. We need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and just share our news in general, good and bad. We need to change this dynamic and share the cool stuff!
**Confidential to homeschooling families...if discussing your homeschooling really does cause dissension among family and friends it may be time to evaluate how you go about discussing it, and if the problem is truly not yours, just let it be a topic you don't discuss. Sometimes in life there are groups of people we cannot discuss certain things with. This is okay to be one of them.**






10. We miss you.  Just as life changes and we go through periods of adjustment after college, marriage, babies, deaths, etc; this is just another time in life where things change. You will likely drift apart from some friends. Its inevitable. But true, good friends are important, whether it's short lived or for a lifetime. We want you to know that we're still here...we're still your friend. We don't judge your choices (or if we do so, we do so lovingly and with your best interest at heart like the time you wore that blue dress that was too tight..um, we need to talk.) But seriously, friendship takes work, just like marriage and this crazy home school game. So just because your friend now home schools, it doesn't mean she's not the same awesome person she was before. It just means her schedule might be a bit different, she may ask you to save toilet paper rolls for an art project, and she may not own anything other than yoga pants (to which you need to help save her from that...) but she's still the same awesome friend you loved prior to homeschooling. And if she's NOT and your differences are too much, that's okay too. Life changes. But know your homeschooling friend misses you and loves you, no matter where your kids are from 9am-3pm. I promise.




******* I apologize for this novella but it's something I've been dwelling on a long time, both personally and as I've watched friends navigate this home school experience, both old timers and newbies. Life is ever changing and if we were all just a bit more open to new experiences and accepting, life could go a lot smoother. There will ALWAYS be someone doing it better, faster, earlier, newer, prettier, happier, than you. Ignore that. I am only responsible to God and to my family. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. I repeat these things to myself throughout the day when things get tough.

Do what works for you, parents.....do what works best for your family and cultivate the friendships you value...

because in the end, we all just want what's best for our children, and that's not the same choice for everyone. But it's a choice we can all support and believe in.

~~~Amy

Dear Fellow Homeschooling Mom....heck..every mom,

 
Sometimes life just SUCKS. I just wanted to get that out there. To let you know you're not alone. To let you know you are NOT a horrible mother when your child does something embarrassing/mean/hateful/hurtful/illegal/immoral/rude/awful/etc. Their actions do not define you. Their words do not stack up against you in some giant book of homeschooling judgement. I promise, they don't. The other moms may act like they do, but lucky for us, they don't get the final say, right?

Our children are their own beings. We can do everything we THINK is best, say what we think we should, do what we think we ought to, and be who we believe we should be....and our kids can still turn out to do awful things that make us ashamed to call them our own.

But guess what...you're still human. You're still YOU. Only YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. Not your child's. Sure, we have a God given, legally bound obligation to care for our children, seemingly 24/7 in the baby years, but soon, they are still responsible for their actions. We need to hold them responsible TO that, but we are not ultimately responsible FOR their behaviors, because in the end, they have free will. We can teach them to the best of our abilities, but they must choose the right course of action.

Now, before you start yelling at me that this is a reckless idea, calm yourself down. Grab some wine and chill. Listen to the words. This does not give you a free pass to say, "oh well, that's just Bobby, he loves to just smack people in the face." Um, no, that is NOT okay. Trust me, I know, I've got a little Godfather here in our house who could very well leave a moose head in your bed if you tick him off. But I am not in his brain, I don't control his words or actions.

What I do control is MY reaction, my interpretation of his behavior and I control, with my husband, the lifestyle and morals we wish to impart on our children. Will they follow them all? I'm almost certain not...but all we can truly do is do as God does to us and be the trunk of their tree to which they can cling tight to when life gets windy and nasty. Our branches may break, we may have a family of pesky squirrels who inhabit our trunk from time to time, but overall, we must simply stay STRONG. That's it. Strong.

So, fellow homeschool mom...(and moms in general...and dads, and fellow human beings of Earth..) walk slowly down this path with me....trust me, I am in no way sitting in judgement. I'm sitting here with a child in behavior therapy and writing this with all my own past demons and monsters behind me. Scary Mommy comes out FAR too often at my house and I'm doing my very best to control her. But what I'm learning on this little journey into life with your children 24/7 is this....there is always tomorrow. But just in case there isn't, give them a kiss and hug before bed and tell them we can all have a do over tomorrow...end the day on love.

Homeschooling is not necessarily a great life calling for everyone. Not all of us do it from the beginning on and are determined to do it forever. Not all of us LOVE it. Not all of us wake up ready and refreshed to start the day. Quite honestly, some of us freaking dread it. Some of us long for bedtime. Some of us buy copious amounts of wine. Some of us homeschool one child and not the others. And ALL of us, whether you admit it or not, have thought or threatened to send their ungrateful butts back to school. It's okay, you can admit it, we don't judge here.

Parenting is hard. Homeschooling is even harder. But when your children do something you think is totally awful and makes you look horrible...don't sweat it. Love them anyway. That doesn't mean don't discipline, or let them get away with murder, but love them anyway, consistently and forever. Because you will anyways, so you might as well not do it with mountains of guilt and angst, right?

So let it go, as the cliche' says, let go and let God. Do your best, love your babies, talk to a friend, and try again tomorrow. Come have some wine with me, because I promise, I have horror stories too.

I PROMISE.

I Knit So I Don't Kill People....

Did you know I had a nifty Zazzle shop as well as a Cafepress shop??? You can find some fun stuff in these two shops, including this mug that is a popular seller! I totally get why...

Find it HERE.

I'm nearing the end of my temporary job outside the home and I'm anxious to get back to my home life of working at home, taking care of my family and home and relisting my house on the market...commence the insanity!!

I've got lots of pretty stuff on the hooks and plenty of fun new reels to add to Badge Reels!

Hope to catch up soon!
~~Amy

Crochet, Colors, Humor and Fun...

I'm a secret blog reader. I don't have time to read a ton, but when I do, these are the ones I choose. They're a mix of all that makes life, well life.

Here are some blogs I LOVE that inspire me and make me smile. (or cry sometimes.)

Attic 24. Lovely blog of crochet, color and life in the UK. She has great, easy to follow patterns also in my fave style..the granny.

Crocheting With Raymond. Again fun colors, a cute cat, and awesome patterns.


The Bloggess. Seriously, she had me Beyonce' the chicken. Do not read her blog or book if you are in a social situation where it is inappropriate to laugh out loud.


This is Not That Blog. Funny-ness in Cartoon form.

Diary of a Mad Woman. Raw, Serious, Funny, Sad, Joy....this local woman is my hero.

Kevin and Amanda. I want to hate them, I do. They're so cute. And crafty, and pretty. But I can't, I just can't.

YoungHouseLove. Another couple I want to hate. But I can't. I take solace in these 'perfect' bloggers that they aren't perfect and are merely showing us the side of life that hides the boogers wiped on walls by your small people.

Smashed Peas and Carrots. A lovely mama who I have had the pleasure of "meeting" online and her blog is one that makes me happy and want to find joy in parenting. And Congrats Maggie on the new carrot!! :)

Yarn Harlot. Funny, yarnie humor. And I still like her even though she's not a hooker.

Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy. She makes being a mom of a special needs child fun and awesome.

The Peaceful Mom. Proof you do NOT need to be a gazillionaire to make it work.

There are many more I like and I wish I got to read all these all the time but I don't. I skim when I can, catch up when I can, but I can always go there for inspiration, a laugh or smile.

What do you read when you are in need of inspiration? Or need a laugh??

Meanie Mommy Cooking

That's IT. I'm DONE. I'm tired of attempting to please the masses. I think I live with one of the pickiest families on the face of this earth.

The youngest, HAH, I'd do better listing what he DOES eat than what he doesn't.
The oldest, he's slowly learning but still dinner is a battle.
The oldest, who-should-know-better-and-should-be-legally-obligated-to-like-what-I-cook-no-matter-what-because-he-married-me-damnit, is pretty picky himself. As a good friend says, my husband has an "untested palate."

So, perhaps I should not try to appease them anymore. I find tons of great recipes and I don't bother because I know they won't like them.
NO MORE. I am the one buying the groceries, putting them away, planning the menu, cooking, prepping, storing, blah blah blah, it's MY turn to cook what I want. (deju vu again, I feel like I've written this post before...oh well...if I can't remember, surely you can't...)

Since I am addicted to Pinterest, I'm going to continue to try more of those recipes. Now, if you know me, or have read this at all, you realize I am NOT a huge cook. I LOVE to bake, but hate to cook. Like I say, it's way more fun to do it when the end results has chocolate. But, we do need to eat and eat relatively healthy. So, here's the new rules:

*You have two choices:
1. Eat it and be grateful there is food on your plate.

2. Don't eat it and be grateful you were offered food on your plate. Then leave the room without complaint. Kitchen is closed after you leave the room.

That's it. Plain and simple. I may very well just write these rules on a sign in the kitchen.
Now I admit sometimes even the stuff I make, *I* don't like. That's cool. When it's an epic fail we can all eat cereal. But for the most part, it's not half bad.

So eat it, or get out my kitchen and shut up.

Meanie Mommy Menu is ON like donkey kong.

~~mama

My Journey Into Minimalism Part Two

So, I am still on this journey to find my home. No, I'm not wandering the streets of my town lost, but I am still in the process of purging, cleaning, organizing and finding the HOME in my house.

The week in the cabin spurned an awakening inside me, causing me to immensely need to purge our belongings, for fear we'd end up on some reality show buried under toys.

Okay, so I'm actually not really a hoarder (I even share my fabric--ok I sell it..sorry no free fabric.) But we are a small family of four in a house full of CRAP. I don't even know how it got here. I know much of it was given, and as said in my last post, I'm not one to go endlessly shopping for new and pretty things. (except fabric). But I digress.

I have made some progress. Much has been given away on Freecycle and Freeuse, and some given to friends. But the pile behind my sofa is still HUGE. I've contemplated lugging it to the local resell stores, but really? I am a busy mother of two, and much of the pile is nonsense. Now there are some things I'll bring over there that could probably bring me a few bucks and that's fine. But most of it....back to freeuse.org we go!

What spurned this second round? My kitchen. I hate my kitchen. I despise my kitchen. NOW, this really sucks bc the kitchen is what SOLD this house to us. Its HUGE (ok in my definitions its huge). Large enough for an island and a 6 person table.

However, thanks to my handy little sewing habit, half my kitchen is comprised of computer armoire, sewing machine, shelves (full of sewing crap) and the cute little desk where I pay my bills--which would be fine, if boxes of OLD bills didn't surround it.

And as large as my kitchen is, the set up is crappy. Bad cabinet space, layout etc. (But I did not know these things when I was a house buying virgin 4 years ago.) Still, I COULD love my kitchen....if I got it back from the pile o' fabric, bobbins and rulers.

Thus leads us to--"The Great Kid Blending of 09". The kids rooms are your average size rooms, right? So WHY is it so hard to put two kids in one room? I mean they're under 4 feet tall, what the hell? Well, I've learned, it's because my kids have TOO MUCH FREAKIN CRAP! Again, we reference the in-laws for this one. Although I am VERY grateful to have my in-laws around and their gift giving is great, I have to STORE this stuff somewhere.

And I've also learned something else--inevitably, whatever you THINK a 4 year old might like and you purchase for him...he will not like it after a week. It just becomes another THING in his room. How can a child TRULY appreciate what they own when there is SO MUCH OF IT?

I also learned when your child has autism, they are not necessarily playing with toys appropriate for their age. Nor often do they even give a rat's arse ABOUT toys. My son wants circles. Lots and lots of circles. Sure, I keep age appropriate and developmentally appropriate toys around, but he could care less. He wants his damn circles and you best step back when you try to take them.

Sooooo, I decided it was time to merge the boys into one room. They handled it beautifully in our week at the cabin, why not give it a go at home?

Then I learned the crib didn't fit through the door. You have to take it apart. Insert expletive here. So said child is sleeping in his pack n play whilst I brainstorm a plan. (Not sure crib can survive another taking apart--this is the 4th kid it's been through.) Meanwhile progress is slowly being made--no pictures, it's too shameful to see right now.

And whilst I'm ranting, (I Love whilst. Its my favorite word other than "chocolate"). Let me address something. I have already received the "How can you make them share a room?" comment from several folks. To that I say, Shut the hell up. I mean, seriously...these kid have more toys, games, clothes, STUFF than I ever had and I was the most spoiled little poor girl you would ever meet. (Don't ask, long story, ask my sister.) They are not hurting for a darn thing. Personally I feel this: Mommy and Daddy pay the mortgage, Mommy and Daddy deserve a room to sew and play guitar without sweating it out in the kitchen or garage.

Then there's this idea....Eli has autism, it's no secret. But he's blessed with a big brother. Now while Harrison has his own sensory issues, I'd like to think they can be friends one day. I'd like to think them sharing a room will help them learn to WORK TOGETHER, SOLVE PROBLEMS, and APPRECIATE each other.

And if it doesn't, well I've got duct tape to draw the line down the middle of the room ready.

~~Amy

What the Baby Books Don't Tell You.

Life has been insane as a mommy lately due to circumstances beyond my control. Here are some things I've learned thus far in my 4 years as a mommy.

1. Whatever you planned to happen--chuck it.

2. Your child will take off a poopy diaper at some point. Be ready.

3. Sex? No thanks. Hand me the comforter, hot stuff.

4. You will get lots of unsolicited advice. Take it, some of it may work.

5. You will get lots of unsolicited advice. What you don't take---learn to say, "feel free to take the monsters if you can do better."

6. You cannot blame farts on your kid once they start talking.

7. Once you breastfeed, you appreciate breasts on a whole new level. So will your husband. Particularly when you wean.

8. There actually ARE worse pains than UNMEDICATED, INDUCED childbirth. Leaking spinal fluid is one.

9. Things you previously didn't care about, like health care, politics, education, suddenly become very important. And you suddenly feel very nervous, scared and vomit a little knowing there really isn't a damn thing you can do about most of it.

10. When in doubt..get out some bubble wrap. Kids love it. (Just don't leave em alone with it.)

11. You can watch old Sesame Streets and pretend it's for the kids.

12. You dream about murdering Elmo and telling your child Elmo had an 'incident'.

13. You will literally knock out a 300 lb nurse if need be when your child is in pain.

14. You respect your husband and your mother a helluva a lot more.

15. You make up stupid songs to do stupid things. Whatever makes your kid smile. "Who has a poopy?" Sounds way more fun to your kid if you sing it.

16. Feel free to criticize another parents choice in hot topics (breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations,) but be FULLY prepared to back up YOUR side and don't berate the other parent. Also be ready for a hearty slap. You probably deserved it.

17. You can buy your kid all the organic food in the world and feed your kids 100% healthy. But let the kid have some FUN for crying out loud.

18. You will say these words way more than you ever wanted to: breasts, testicles, mucous, poop, placenta, and snot. Get used to it.

19. You should always, always choose the nap. It does not matter the options.

20. Remember to do something for YOU. Also remember it may fall to heck as soon as a mini you needs something.

Last but not least, remember children are the greatest gift God can give us and it is up to us to respect, love, honor and care for our children.

Now get off the computer and go hug your kids.

~~Amy

A Trip to Sams--A Comedy of Errors

Setting: Hot, sweaty, southern Louisiana
Time: Mid Morning (5 o'clock somewhere)
Characters: Tired Mommy, almost 4 yr old know it all and barely lingual 18 mo old.

Scene One:
Mommy realizes she needs food. Now. As well as business supplies to fulfill an order. Planned trip to Evil Empire tomorrow with PawPaw is too far away. Bacon is needed. Now.

Mommy pries children from electronic devices, fills her trusty reusable water bottle with water, throws Goldfish in her handmade reusable snack bag and loads monkeys into car. Hot, hot car.

Family jams to Amos Lee on short ride there, monkeys are peaceful.

Scene Two:
Arrival at Sams, aka, the inner circle of hell.
Mommy loads screaming toddler into basket, clueless to the reason for his screams. Mommy nearly throws back out sticking nearly 4 yr old in the dual seat of the super handy Sam's buggy/cart/whatever you call it because he MUST ride with baby brother.

Whilst Mommy throws back out, toddler throws reusable water bottle on the concrete, thus busting open the top and spilling the water all over the ground leaving us with nothing to drink. Toddler then gets mad there is no more water. Doesn't understand Mommy's explanation of who's fault THAT is.

Mommies ovaries shrink a little more during this conversation.

Scene Three:
Mommy manages to find Sam's Card and enters the air conditioned heaven/hell of Sam's Club. Monkeys are at peace munching on colored goldfish (mommy's last 'splurge' as the monkeys normally must eat the whole wheat goldfish). Business supplies are bought, Mommy happily finds a Glen Beck and Dick Morris book and snaps them up with the illusion that she'll actually get to READ said books at night before passing out.

Scene Four:
A lizard is spotted on a buggy near the bread. Mommy pushes thoughts of sanitation departments out of her head and enjoys the moment of discussing with the nearly 4 yr old that the lizard is shopping! Whatever could a lizard be shopping for? Cookies, it's decided...which Mommy also adds to her basket. Goodbyes are said to lizard.

Scene Five:
Barely lingual toddler spots the cookies in the buggy. Excited that he appropriately says, "More", Mommy allows monkeys to partake of chocolate chip cookie. Toddler promptly ruins outfit that had only been worn less than an hour. Mommy visualizes the never ending pile of laundry and notes appointment for hearing screening in the afternoon for toddler, so costume change will be necessary. Mommy mentally notes cloth diapers need washing as well....dishes need to be unloaded....

On plus side, nearly 4 yr old is well adapt at eating gooey cookies in 30 seconds flat and leaves no crumbs behind.

Scene Six:
Shopping is nearly done, Mommy bravely ignores the liquor aisle and heads onward. Nearly 4 yr old has not lost his handmade stuffed bird OR Slinky the entire trip. Toddler is chocolately but not screaming his head off and is again obsessively playing with his shoes. (Mommy makes mental note to mention shoe obsession during toddler's evaluation.)
Checkout lines are small and check out is somewhat speedy.

Scene Seven:
Mommy's credit card is denied. Twice. Another card is tried. Denied. Twice. Visions of identity theft run through Mommy's head. Mommy is forced to put purchases on debit cards, which would not be a problem except this purchase also included the Sam's renewal/selling your soul to the devil/charge and the bill is far higher than anticipated. Mommy is thankful Daddy gets paid tomorrow.

Nearly 4 yr old begs for Icee. Seeing he has wrapped his slinky through and around the cart in a very yoga like fashion, Mommy denies request for icee. Toddler becomes angry at shoes and starts to scream. Apparently the shoes are not listening to toddler's king like demands.

Elderly people behind Mommy begin to shoot dirty looks. Mommy is too busy wiping off chocolate, trying 8 different credit cards and denying Icee requests to tell elderly people they are MORE than welcome to take the monkeys for a day if they can do it better.

Scene Eight:
Almost out the door! Shoes are dropped, handmade stuffed bird named Scout is suffocating under boxes, Mommy waits her turn for the all powerful Green Highlighter Holder to mark her paper that states she is allowed to leave the chambers of hell. All hail the green highlighter. Mommy ponders if there are different levels of power in the highlighter, each color means a new level of Satanic power?

Scene Nine:
Mommy manages to load groceries in the trunk despite the fact that Daddy has yet again left the pack and play in the trunk after a trip. Mommy shoves, amazingly fixes her own back that she ironically threw out upon first arrival, by shoving a ginormous box of baby wipes in trunk. Still angry at the shoes toddler is safely secured in his seat, and slinky is extricated from the buggy, and four year old is secure in his seat. The journey home begins.
Mommy nearly wipes out an old lady in the parking lot, hopes she's not on her 8th life.

Mommy explains yet again the rule for Popsicles (after nap) and explains AGAIN what will happen after nap.

All in all, trip to hell complete with only minimal damage, a little science lesson on lizards and only one curse word said by Mommy.

Mommy only glances at the drive through daiquiri shop on the way home.

This time.

The End.